I know it sounds dramatic, but here’s what I posted on my FB and Instagram pages Wednesday morning:
It feels like another death. I know there’s light out there somewhere, but how to get to it?
In honor of Eddie, I listened to one of his favorite podcasts this morning. “Sisters in Law” consists of four whip-smart political/legal personalities: Joyce Vance, Jill Wine-Banks, Barb McQuade and Kimberly Atkins Stohr. They’re knowledgeable and insightful, they carefully explain complex issues and they can be very entertaining (we saw them live when they were on stage in Portland). Today’s podcast began with a statement by each woman as to how she’s feeling about the results of Tuesday’s election.
Barb McQuade said a friend of hers texted it feels like somebody died. She went on to describe it this way: First there’s the initial shock, and then you think about all the consequences, all the things this means and the uncertainty of not really knowing all the things that this means.
That sure hit home.
I’m still learning a lot about grief, but I can tell you what I've experienced so far:
it’s unsettling, like the world is spinning off its axis.
it makes you angry because you can’t get back what you once had.
it’s scary because you don’t know what’s coming next.
it makes you feel profoundly sad.
it makes you feel hopeless.
it makes you feel lost. you’re not sure which way to go.
you’re in disbelief.
you feel like everything has fallen apart.
These are some of the ways I’ve felt (and continue to feel) since Eddie died.
They’re also some of the ways I’ve felt since the election. Most everyone I know is having similar responses.
So how to find some light in all this darkness?
For me, that path may eventually be forged in my work. I’ll be participating in my studio’s December 7th & 8th Open Studio event. I made some new pictures on Sauvie Island, and I’ve begun revisiting some older images. I sat down the other day to start printing for Open Studio, and to my surprise my brain sent out new signals. Instead of square black & white pictures, rectangular color ones emerged from my printer.
I'll take it for now.
